Please read the disclaimer before perusing the following article.
(written 1993, published Beef in B.C. May/June 1993)
A client called recently to sort out his legal situation if his marriage fell apart, and to talk about some of the problems in the marriage. As we talked, we could both see that the family had concentrated on meeting long-term goals—making sure the ranch was financially stable and that the kids were fed, clothed and educated. What suffered was the relationship between the rancher and his wife—the activities that would have helped them to relax and enjoy life were always put off. The result was that both of the marriage partners got worn out, and one got fed up and left. We agreed that part of the problem was “a long-term shortage of fun”.
“Ranching is a meat-grinder”, he said.
Farming families need to learn to deal with stress, maybe even more than the average urban family. Farm family stress has been studied by James L. Walker, Ph.D. and Lilly J. Walker Ph.D., both formerly of Brandon University in Manitoba. They have written “The Human Harvest. Changing Farm Stress to Family Success”, published by Agriculture Canada, Manitoba Agriculture and Manitoba Education in 1987. Ten thousand copies of this 56-page booklet are in circulation. It should be required reading for every farm family. You can order it through the B.C. Cattlemen’s Association, R.R.# 2, Kamloops, B.C. V2C 2J3, at a cost of $7.00 (prepaid).
The authors put stressful situations on farms into six categories:
Signs and symptoms of stress include physical signs such as insomnia, high blood pressure, headaches and backaches, and psychological symptoms such as loss of temper, chronic fatigue, alcohol or prescription drug abuse, or overeating.
The main part of the book details how to manage stress so that the farm family can reduce it, and deal more productively with it. The authors call it the F A R M method of stress management. It means:
F—Fostering family strengths A—Arming yourself against stress R—Relaxing M—Managing personal resources.
Our reactions to people—spouse, parents, children, extended family members, business partners—anyone with whom we have an important personal or business relationship—is likely to produce more stress than other causes of stress. Faulty communication is a root cause of relationship problems. There are a number of ways to start and continue meaningful talks with your spouse and children. Just taking time each day to talk to a spouse, or checking how much time you actually spend in “significant” interactions with family members, may help you start improving communication.
It is encouraging to learn that even as an adult, one can learn how to listen better and communicate more clearly. One can learn more about how disagreements can be handled to heal, not wound. One can learn how to enrich the family with laughter, consideration, and “special events”, everything from a spur-of-the-moment picnic, a sports event, a spontaneous day-trip to visit Aunt Ethel, an afternoon spent skiing.
My client said he learned “if you can’t get your work done in five days, you won’t get it done in seven”. Don’t work all the time. Find time for some fun.
Make sure your body is looked after. Get a checkup. Eat properly. Get a sense of humor. Get enough sleep. Get some exercise apart from work. Be aware and think about patterns that may be self-destructive, like smoking or drinking to excess “to relax”.
One of the farmers interviewed by the authors of “The Human Harvest”, said “I haven’t been off the farm overnight in the past 12 years”.
Taking a vacation may not cure, but it can help. Other ways to relax include massage, hot baths or sauna, exercise, hobbies, a nap, and mental imagery. There are many ways to take a mental-health break. Healthy diversions might include a movie, a concert, a community supper or dance, corresponding with friends and family, a weekend away.
I remember an article in the “Western Producer” about a farm wife who came into a small inheritance. She used it to install a hot tub, and said it was the best money she’d ever spent. Instead of plunking down in front of the TV and tuning out, she and her husband and family relaxed in the hot tub and chatted at the end of the day.
When all is said and done, self-management is the key that opens the door to new possibilities and ways of thinking and living. Learn how to stop worrying, especially about things that you can’t control. You can figure out new answers to old problems with new ways of approach.
For those who may need more than a book to reshape their lives, there are resources which may be available in your community. There are usually private counselors, listed under “psychologists” or “counselors” in the yellow pages. Churches can often offer some family support. Provincial government mental health officers have some counseling resources. Many communities have crisis centers. For those with off-farm employment, may professional groups or unions have contracts with counseling services.